'The Big Man' - by the very talented Aussie Artist - Ron Mueck.click the pic to look for the naughty bit
"For the love of god, Jimmy! it's only the one night that you're giving up, it's not as if it's the end of the world now, is it?"
It may not be the end of the world to some, but it certainly feels like it is to me. Especially when the long drawn out evening is to be spent in the company of those of the vegan persuasion. Dinnae get me wrong here. I have the greatest of respect for all opinions and lifestyles of my fellow man, regardless of faith, creed, religion, or political confusion. But the thought of kaftan's, floor cushions, and the swoosh of beaded curtains is just not my thing.
Apart from their passion for strange, unfathomable Vietnamese party games, the inevitable late night bean curd flatulence, and the obligatory stray beard hair floating in the soup, the evening will no doubt be a blast. The last time we attended one of their 'entertaining' dinner parties, I made the terrible fashion faux pas of wearing shoes not made out of masticated cardboard and reconstituted buffalo hair. It was a three hour slide show on the error of my ways that ensued.
I won't be making that particular mistake ever again!
The real heart breaker was the fifteen year old whisky that we brought with us, that remained unopened on their sideboard during the entire evening. Instead we were invited to make free with the
The real highlight of the evening, apart from the slight wind mishap during her demonstration on the benefits of Pilate's, was of course his fascinating tale about the partially constructed 'straw bales only' loft conversion he has spent eleven long years working on. Too be honest, at first glance I thought the chimney had fallen fae the apex of the roof, and landed awkwardly. Hey.. it was an easy mistake to make.
Even choosing my wardrobe for the evening is turning out to be a bit of an oul chore. Try as I might, I cannae seem to locate any item suitable for this evenings main event. For suitable, read anything made out of either cheesecloth, hemp, or hessian sack. I guess the true meaning of vegan fashion is that your sense of style begins and ends at the mercy of which ever one of your farming neighbours woolly beast's dies from tuberculosis during the winter months.
Maybe if I throw myself down the stairs it might just get me out of the evenings hell. They might take pity on me and allow Siobhan to leave early, along with the return of my fifteen year old malt, and a brief taxi stop for a bucket of good oul tasty KFC. It could all work out nicely indeed. I'm sure they will understand, and not be offended at my absence around the rush floor matting of which they choose to feast with spoons carved from the wood of the ancient Szechuan tree.
Yes, I'll miss out on yet another descriptive excursion into the exciting world of hybrid cars, and the benefits of bottling your own feces. The many, many, holiday photies of their Rwandan mud hut holiday home, and how the wedding photographer airbrushed out the vomit stains on her canvas wedding dress after the pre-chanting exchange of wicker love-bands, and cous cous buffet went sooo wrong.
Who could have known those darn pretty orange berries would be so toxic?
Although I almost certainly do worship at the green temple of understanding when I visit their home, there are only so many choruses of "Cum-bay-ah" a man can stand in one evening.
I wonder if I should just go out and save a whale, or clean oil off a dolphin instead?
Posts
68 heathens stopped here for a swatch.:
Whoever is persuading you to go must have some power over you....
It makes me think of Wilt and his wife's enthusiasm for her 'back to nature' friends....nettle wine, the methane toilet....
Get that whisky back.
Fly: As much as we men like to think we hold the 'club' of power, deep down we know that it is the power of the woman and her ability to say 'NO' that really rules the roost.
i take it these are not your friends, sugar... xoxoxox
(my advice: start drinking before y'all leave home...and early!)
Savvy: They are Siobhan's pals fae the office... and I'm already on the case.
HAHA! Been there bought the T shirt.
Next time crack open that bottle upon arriving and never-ever look back. You've now paid yer dues in full.
It would certainly be a huge benefit for your hosts to experience your "culture" too would it not?
Why not be an ambassador of goodwill and release your inner badass at-the-door and enjoy yourself?
Life is short.
Best to stop it now.
We had this hideous 'round' of dinner parties with so called friends- or maybe I should say ' a round of hideous dinner parties' . Anyway, when it was our 'turn' I refused, just plain refused at any cost - sure, I got a few days in the huffy bed, but it was worth it - we've never been invited back!
Nothing could be scarier than that guy in the pic.
Donn: I do hope that not a single silkworm was injured during the making of the afore mentioned T shirt. And for the love of god keep your comments short! Typing burns energy at the rate of 0.01 an hour.
Mark: If I ever want sex again.... I'll go. No if's.. no buts'' no nothing.
Donna: Real purdy huh? A sculpture of real art, and on display in an art gallery near you.
Friends from the office? No way, that's impossible! I've had scary experiences about it! What happens on Monday if you didn't like the (undescribable) menu of the Vietnamese party?
The nearest I've ever been to a vegan fundamentalist is my Dutch vegetarian friend Frank, who invited me to spend some days in his house in Utrecht some time ago. The menu was not bad, but i needed some bad proteins and junk food. One night that he was not supposed to be in, I rushed to McDonald's for a Big Mac... it was nearly orgasmic. But he came back earlier as expected and caught me! He took it as a kind of joke, and the day after we were back to the whole-grain rice, beans pudding and mushroom hamburgers.
Going back to your experience... If i were you, I'd start thinking of a good excuse for the next invitation.
((Btw, I like the guy in the pic. His face shows real anger and rage... and something else I cannot describe, like asking for good company. My romantic ideas. You know me a bit now))
Leni, it'll be a boring night, but it could well liven up if they rub me or the missus up the wrang way. I know a few of the other couples in attendance, and the craic will be tolerable as lang as the drink flows freely.
We will see...
You'll manage, Jimmy... you always do. ;-)
By the way, could you please make your font larger??? It's really difficult on my old eyes, even with reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose... Thanks!!! xoxoxo
Pony, I've played around with it hen, and the longer I played, the larger it has grown. I do hope that it is now large enough to satisfy all of your needs.
The post, Jimmy, the post! It's just not large enough!! Please fiddle with it more... make it bigger!!! I just can't wait much longer, you know... ;-)
Oh Jimmy, Jimmy, I love beans but I'll die laughing one of these days reading your posts. My guffaws are drawing irritated 'sshh mum!'s from the teens as they try to watch TV.
You've got to put these stories in a book! With a cover warning that incontinence pads advised whilst reading...
Pony-doll, Incorrigible! Enough said.
Cinnamon: I survive merely to guzzle pints and make the ladies laugh. If I inadvertently dampen the occasional set of undies along the way...I apologise hen.
I recommend a hip flask; on both sides.
And a bucket of KFC beforehand.
Jimmy, we are birds of a feather. ;-)
I spent two years in Viet Nam and was happy to stumble upon any canoe wine I could find. However, I have never been able to grow a decent mustache. Now I understand!
It may be rude, but whenever I bring a bottle of the good stuff and it looks like it is gonna just sit there I take matters into my own hands.
Me: "I could go for a Scotch"
Host: "I think I have an open bottle of Dewars somewhere"
Me: "Actually, let's break open the bottle we brought tonight. I'm a big fan and I'd like to get your opinion"
If that doesn't work, then I just help myself. Fuck it.
I find it very difficult to imagine you (the you we have come to know {and love} from reading here) in the company of pretentious phoneys - perhaps a small measure of old-fashoined violence is required?
Point out that we owe a lot to our predatory history, including binocular vision, co-operative hunting ability and possibly speech.
Can you claim to be an obligate carnivore, and you only eat two types of vegetable; foxgloves, for when you've got a heart complaint, and grass for when you want to throw up a hairball.
Wow, you have my sympathy. Don't you have someone who can make that "I have an emergency" phone call to you say, ten minutes past when the bottle should've been opened?
Geez, now I have the ridiculous urge to go fry chicken...because it tastes so good and those idiots don't know what they're missing. You'll turn Goody Two-Shoes me into a renegade yet. ;)
Jim, a man your size needs to eat raw meat at least 3 times a day just to stay alive. Try to moderate your intake when it comes to the beans hon.
Told you. You should have come round to mines for a fish supper, pickled onion and a buttered roll. far more fun.
As far as your wardrobe, may I suggest your pajamas and shower shoes?
This has caused me to rush out and buy a brace of Scotch pies, some HP sauce, and a bottle of 12 year old Bowmore.
Abroad is nice, but ye shouldn't bring it home.
Unless you're Angus from Arbroath and have snared a Thai bride that is.
Poor Siobhan if she has to suffer them at work also.
I thought people like that - and I too share your lack of prejudice - went out with the seventies although I suppose being green and saving the earth is meat and drink to them - without the meat. We've eschewed dinner parties for some time now which is a blessed relief. I think maybe you should go - it's great copy:)
Pony-doll: If you and I are birds of a feather, that would mean that you are the hen, and I am the co.. nope! Not even gonnae go down that particuar road.
Blazng: I always carry a wee snifter for fortification. Two on this occasion, just too make sure.
Cortico: I've never been to Viet Nam my friend, but I did once stumble into Aberdeen by mistake. The women there have longer beards than their menfolk.
Mr Earl: The previous gift of whisky was reclaimed and polished off before the last course of tofu made it's appearance on our plates. This time I brought along some home made wine that the M.I.L gave us back in 1987. Once bitten... twice shy.
Pisces: It was a sacrifice on behalf of the little lady. As far as friends go, tonights hosts would be just under Ruby Wax on my list.
...and she's no even on my list.
Jules: I refrained fae the communual dish of cous cous, and insisted that the one portion of tofu was quite enough for me. As for the nut cutlets, they tasted as though they had been made with septic scabs. I refused to try anything else on the menu.
Hope: The daughter rang us dead on the stroke of twelve, and by the back of midnight the taxi was just pulling up outside of KFC. I'm still munching on a chicken leg as I type.
Smoke: I like beans, but they have an unfortunate effect on me which doesn'y figure in my plans for later on. As for meat.. I cannae do without my mince and tatties for more than a few days.
Madame: Not after the last time when you made me your culinary dish of macaroni cheese without the cheese. Besides.. I'm getting tired of carrying you up the stairs of a night.
Charlie, I used my tact... leather shoes, leather jacket, and leather belt. Take me as I am!
Garfer: Angus is my cousin, and the stories about Mai Ling being fae Thailand have been greatly embiggened.
...it was Bangkok, and yes she does.
Pat: Siobhan is very good with people, and although they would not be included in her immediate circle of friends, she did her bit for her firm tonight.
Funnily enough, I'll be firmly doing my bit later on as well.
Here's something I don't get: if I knew a vegetarian was coming to dinner, I'd be sure to serve something he could eat. How come when an omnivore goes to vegans' for dinner, you are required to eat boiled kelp, lentils in aspic and tofu pudding? Shouldn't there have been a discreet little bucket of KFC for you at your spot, maybe covered with the budgie cover if they couldn't take it?
Sad about the single malt too.
You know... I think I nearly detected a faint whiff of sarcasm in this post... Hmmm... just nearly... nope, I must have been mistaken.
Ugh, poor you!!! It's the bottle of whiskey that's the real tragedy here. Good luck, and tell us all about it when you survive it.
I'm with Sav! Start early, and bring a flask! A feckin' great big flask! :¬)
Brother Jimmy,
You're a better man than I dear brother. I'd sooner drink monkey pish than sit for hours listening to the ramblings and wails of those hell bent on convincing me that consuming meat is wrong, that my shoes trod on the souls of majestic cattle and hear the incessant "how dare you wear a leather jacket" accusation.
It's too late to make a run to KFC but I'm going down to my kitchen, rekindle the ritual of the carnivore and partake of the holy water.
U
Darlin' you have a generous heart & I reckon you'd do anything for Siobhan, but really, you gotta put a time limit on this kinda gathering! Y'know I don't drink, but if I'd had to suffer an evening like this for Mike, I reckon I would've had a stiff one the minute I got home................drink that is darlin', drink!
been there, done that, got ...and burned... the t-shirt.good luck...
Tiffin: On the menu was birds nest soup. I don't think that there was an anus amongst my fellow meat eaters that didn't transform itself in the tiniest of starfish when the main ingredient in it was announced. Could you imagine eating the human equivalent?
No wait... strike that thought. I forgot about Burger King.
Karen: My apologies hen. That faint whiff wasnae sarcasm... lentils always do that to me I'm afraid. As for the whisky, well that was hauled out from its place atop the sideboard and shared around early on in the evening. It was like a plague of locusts had devoured every refreshement in sight.
Obviously not the Rhubarb and Bramble wine though.
Map: Actually my friend, the trick is not to stop. The Glaswegian liver is taught to swim from a very early age. If I recall correctly, I was able to drink 5 or 6 whiskies within eleven minutes of being born. By the age of 3 weeks I reguarly drank 15 pints before my farleys rusk, and was known to ingest a full bottle of gin before lunch.
Actually that's a lie... it was a half bottle.
Jimmy darlin' you need to credit Ron Mueck's fantastic sculpture. He's a very talented Australian artist. Check out some more of his work.....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ron_Mueck#Selected_works
Brother U: My reputation had obviously gone before me once again. I'm sure that it was a drunken Conan the Barbarian that they envisaged turning up at their door. The fact that I was able to converse coherently about subject matter on a level somewhat higher than themselves, meant that I was left alone quite a lot of the evening. The other couples were treated to the usual bilge about saving the world, where I got off with a lecture about my leather jayket.
If it hadn't been for the delightful Siobhan delicately tapping my ankle with a frequent rhythm to control my gob, I would have asked the host more than I actually did about the wildlife cohabitating in his beard.
Jayne: Imbibing myself with the nectar of the gods was the numero uno priority on my list. The hosts themselves were very spiritual throughout, and even managed to nod politely and refrain fae freaking out when I invited them to my next BBQ, when I usually always have a hog roast complete with all the trimmings.
There is an oul saying which I feel is apt in this situation, but which is not for the ears or eyes of the lovely Pat. So don't tell her that I said this;
Never send a kitten to fuck an oul cat!
Ms Quin: Sadly I have now glimpsed through the gates of Veggie hell TWICE! and lived to tell the tale. The whole beardy concept of saving the planet is not a particuarly bad one, it's just not for me. Next time I shall politely turn down the offer and be honest about my reasons why.
I like to eat meat, and I cannae eat coconut husk pie, mixed with canary droppings, served up in a pool of seagulls spit.
I'm away to consume the rest of my fried chicken supper.
It appears that in this case Nancy Reagan was right "Just say NO!"
Walking man: The word NO often strikes fear to a mans heart when hearing that final word fae his other half of a night. Veganism is akin to that of our mothers breasts. Warm and soothing to look upon, but very much best left unfelt.
I'm sure Ponita and I bless you for the cream print.
The things we do for love---or our beloved.
Been there, done that
Played the Alpha male a took charge of the BBQ at a friends birthday---who knew that Tofu would melt if you tried for well done--
And those vegetarian skewers cooked in the pig fat of the pork chops were the best they had ever tasted
Ah, it's only one night
Oh such an evening would make me very mischievous, I'd be amused but I'm not sure anyone else would be. But on the other hand they probably wouldn't ask me back again :0)
Nurse, sorry hen... I missed you there. Thank's for the heads up on Ron Mueck.
Pat: There isn't much I wouldn't do for you and the Pony gal.
Clyde: I felt a tear of pide forming when I read the line about the veggie skewers and the pig fat.
Now THAT is poetry.
St Jude: Trust me hen... the divil within me enjoyed 'ourselves' immensely.
I take you don't fancy a quick chant round the back then?
Now I am a veggie myself. Except for the trip to Italy when due to my poor Italian I spent the entire fortnight saying " I am sorry I can't eat dog ". so luckily I avoided that Poddle sarne.
Now the Scotch is another matter. How could they?
Kerrie, the thing is... there is a huge difference between being a veggie and being a vegan. A girls liking for the cucumber and other sinful shaped objects is understood and completely acceptable in these confusing times. But the penchant for folk singing, tantric sex, as well as bean curd nibbles, all served on the same hypothetical plate is way too rich for my taste.
Veggies are normal people who have commendable beliefs, while Vegans are sadly delusional halfwits, with more wind than grey matter beneath their poorly built straw bale thatched roof.
Next week we will be discussing the difference between a good steak dinner, and a bucket of fried seagull spit. ; )
Some years ago in a moment of weakness I went to a yoga class. there I was resting on my shoulder blades with the back of my knees over my face and the tips of my toes resting on the ground slightly north of my head.
The inevitable result???
FRATTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
VERY
AUDIBLY
INDEED!
Best to avoid that new age stuff IMO...
Mr Rabbit, speaking as a man who has had to convert a valuable outbuilding into a pink and glass palace, dedicated solely for the use of the women of the house. I can say without fear or trepidation,that the female keep fit execrcises are strictly to be viewed, and not tried first hand.
The only yoga that I enjoy is the one that comes in a pot and tastes of apricot.
just dropping by to see if there was an update on y'alls dinner party, sugar! *snickering* xoxoxox
So. Here's a good pissup, Yeah?
The Map, the Dev, The Bock, and the Jimmy!
Throw in the Sav, and the Pony-Girl!
Feck, the hope kid, and A certain Leah!
Pearl? You in?
And the rest of you, all of U?
U?
And more, Y'all know who ya are!
Party!
xxx
Soon Pal!
Hey Jimmy, thanks for stopping by my place tonight, and leaving the whiskey stain in the comment box... I think I'm hooked for good now, will be adding a link in my sidebar (emphasis on "bar" there) so I can find me way back to yer bottled boisterous bantering here easier, even in the dark.
Now, I must say, this lovely piece about the dangers of being lured or tricked into attending veggan evenings and dinners, brought to mind this excellent old blues tune by an unfortunately deceased at an early age guy named Steve Goodman, the Chicken Cordon Blues... please do give it a listen, sounds like what was going on with you... on YouTube :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dY_bQtdt3rg&feature=related
Enjoy... and enjoy yer chicken too !
i'm late to the vegan bash, but share your sentiments... for people who proclaim to espouse tolerance, they sure are a bunch of fekkin' crabapples about the beliefs of others. as in "i believe i'll eat a slab of bacon, thankyouverymuch".
my daughter is a polite vegetarian. doesn't try to shove it down the throat... more cajoles me with tasty dishes left in the fridge! so much more civilized...
"For suitable, read anything made out of either cheesecloth, hemp, or hessian sack"
Mate, you should have given me a ring, I'd have lent you my hemp-lined, hessian-pocketed cheesecloth smock, my pride and joy.
Nice we sneer at those lovers of The Vegetable Kingdom. Personally, I love a good salad, but you can't beat blackbudding and bacon in it, or a steak or a piece of lamb or a few sqaure sausage. Am I a genocidal maniac? Perhaps. I didn't mean to be, it just tasted, too good.
Where abouts are you in Glasgow Jimmy, what part of the compass? Do you ever read in public or any of that malarky?
We have some friends who are of the vegan species, and whenever they come to our home for dinner, Jen always cooks up something special for them to eat (while the rest of us eat real food). So why is it that when we go to their home for dinner, we have to eat tofu and other assorted inedible crap? It seems to me that common courtesy should compel them to reciprocate, should it not? I've considered showing up at their door carrying a Super Sized McDonald's value meal and saying "No thanks, I brought my own" when they serve dinner, but alas, sleeping on the couch for a month would wreak havoc on my aging back.
I love it, and you tell this one so well...
And my opinion, there are better uses of hemp than making clothes.
When it comes to Vegans, I'm with Herman Goering.
Sav: It would seem that the invite to my next BBQ has been declined, although I have been described as having excellent manners for "a big bloke". The mind boggles.
Map: Wonderful. The only thing missing is the car keys in the fruit bowl.
Owen: My apologies for the stain, it had been a long evening and I could just make out the bus coming over the hill in the distance, and when you gotta go... you really gotta go.
Daisy: There is a vegan in all of us. Sadly the one in me went swimming in a porcelain bowl as soon as we arrived home. Nifty backstroke by the way.
Mo: I prefer your black leather catsuit ensemble, so much more you. However, the pvc leather zip up balaclava may have been stretching it just a tad.
McGuire: No, I never read in public, but you can catch me shouting on street corners around the Gallowgate of a Friday neet. I,ll do anything for a fash supper you know.
Jeff: I've never before been to dinner where you are expected to show your appreciation by way of flatulence. Okay.. there was that one time back at St. Josephs, but Sister Claire started it!!
Jon: Of course there is... tying up your boat to the dock being one of them right?
Bock: Mr Goering shared a common bond wth that of his Austrian house painting friend. They both liked to be present while their ladies defecated in front of them.
Call me oul fashioned here, but that degrading practice should be kept behind locked doors and strictly limited to judges, members of British Parliament, and not forgetting of course, Sir Terry Wogan.
I wasn't aware of that predilection. I was thinking more of his tendency to reach for his revolver when confronted with pretentious gobshites.
AS we say here in the states, my friend,
sometimes you gotta take one for the team....
Bock: Aye.. you can't deny he had that down pretty well.
Candy: It's a tag team, and next time... I'm tagging you!
This was fucking hilarious to read. How could you stand it? I mean, I get it I do my part to save the earth and conserve energy, but there's a limit. That's what people are forgetting: BALANCE! One extreme isn't working for us and the other extreme is pretty much reducing us to being smelly, flatulent and snobby which is just plain ridiculous.
Anyway, I need to come by more often and read your stuff. College textbook crap has been ruining my life these days. I need something smart.
Sister, drop by anytime hen, but do leave a shilling in the oul box by way of a thank you.
Post a Comment
If you're shouting spite or spouting shite, it's all the same to me.